Losing Sanity, Missing You
by MetallicBlueFrog
Summary: Hello, fellow SuJu fans! This is a HanChul fic and it's my first try at yaoi, angst, and writing for this most awesome group. Rated T for safety. Other oneshots I write for this group are OVAs to this story. Enjoy!


**Author's Note**: Please read! This is my first fanfic for Super Junior. Don't hate if they're a little out of character. I tried really hard to keep them as they are, so please respect that. Now enough of my rambling. Please enjoy! ^^

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Losing Sanity, Missing You

(HanChul fic)

He sat there on the couch- arms encircling his legs, hugging his knees to his chest- just staring at the wall. A sigh escaped his delicate lips as he rested his chin upon his knees. The man's eyes were dull; emotionless. Usually, they were glistening brightly and full of all kinds of emotions depending on his mood. But now… those same expressive eyes were just plain dead; never blinking.

Another man came into the room and crouched down in front of the 'zombie'. "Heechul-shi," he beckoned. "You need to eat. It's been almost a month since he called and told us he wouldn't be coming back, and you haven't eaten a thing. Come on, I'll make your favorite." He stood up and lightly tugged on Heechul's arm.

"No thanks, Hyung. I'm not hungry," the younger male rejected. It came out as a whispered mumble and Leeteuk wondered how he was able to hear it.

"Heechul-shi, you're wasting away. You're already thin as it is," the leader of Super Junior argued. "Seeing you like this every day has made Shindong lose his appetite and he's lost ten pounds!"

"It'd do him some good to lose weight," Heechul muttered bitterly.

"Heechul!" Leeteuk exclaimed in outrage.

"Just leave me alone," the latter moaned, falling onto his right side. He was basically now in the fetal position, which was the most he's moved in a couple weeks. Ever since that phone call and his realization, he has been in this slump. Always known for caring so much about his looks, Heechul has- in truth- not taken a shower or changed his clothes in days. Leeteuk and Siwon were able to make him take a shower and put on clean pajamas once… but that was about two weeks ago.

Leeteuk uttered an exasperated sigh before saying, "We miss him too, Heechul-shi. So much that it actually hurts. Believe me, we all know how you feel."

The always-overconfident male had snapped by this point. "You don't have the slightest clue as to how I'm feeling!" he shouted, shooting up from the couch and into his hyung's face.

This sudden action caused Leeteuk to lose balance and stumble back a bit, but Siwon appeared out of nowhere and caught him by the shoulders to steady him. Of course, all the noise attracted the other members to come out of their rooms in curiosity.

Heechul went right on ranting. "You don't know! You don't know at all how I feel! I love him! I love him more than any of you ever will! With him gone, it feels like half of me is gone as well… I can't stand it. I want to die from the pain!" He collapsed to the floor in front of Leeteuk and Siwon and let the tears flow freely.

"You think I'm not in the same position as you?" Leeteuk asked coldly, glaring down at the younger man. Now it was his turn. "What about Kangin, huh? He has to fulfill his duties in the army for two years. Do you know how scared that makes me?" He knelt down and lifted Heechul's head by his chin. "I've loved Kangin since day one. Don't you dare think you're the only one suffering from their absence." The eldest member let go of his dongsaeng's chin and stood up again.

Heechul remained on the floor, hanging his head as he sobbed. "I want to go…" he whimpered. "I need to see him. I want to go to China!" The agonized man threw his head up to stare at his hyung through pleading eyes. His tears were coming faster like waterfalls.

"Heechul, get a hold of yourself!" Leeteuk commanded, pulling Heechul to his knees by his forearms. "You're being selfish. It's hard on me too. But you can't just go to China and expect him to pop up out of nowhere. I want to see Kangin, but you don't see me bitching about it."

"Whoa… Leeteuk-hyung," Donghae murmured in shock at his leader's choice of words.

Leeteuk resumed as if he hadn't heard the fishy. "I could be in the same state as you right now, but I choose to stay strong for everyone. My heart feels like it could shatter into millions of pieces, but I keep it together for the sake of our dongsaengs. And I'm surprised and disappointed that you, Kim Heechul, could so easily show your weak side like this."

Heechul glared up at him through hot, salty tears. "Yeah, but there's a difference," he growled. "Kangin will come back."

This caught the leader off guard. He was right. Kangin would be coming back in a couple years. And Kibum… No one knew exactly when he was coming back, but at least they knew he was coming back for sure. He and Kangin weren't quitting Super Junior, so they were definitely coming back. In Heechul's case, he would never get to see _him_ again.

Leeteuk slowly let go of the younger man and stepped back. "You're right," he sputtered.

"So… Leeteuk-hyung has been in love with Kangin-hyung this whole time?" Kyuhyun asked from behind Sungmin. He had his right arm around the shorter man's shoulders.

"Apparently," Yesung answered for him. He stood next to Ryeowook in a doorway.

"And Heechul-hyung has..?" Eunhyuk trailed off, not wanting to upset Heechul any more than he already was. He was standing in front of Donghae, who was hugging his waist from behind and resting his chin on Eunhyuk's right shoulder.

"That's a bit of a shock, and yet, I'm not surprised," Siwon stated.

"I am," Shindong spoke up, raising his hand as if to be called on. His position was the entrance to the kitchen. He'd been making a snack when Heechul started yelling. "I had no idea you guys were like that."

"I don't think they were, originally. But as time progressed, they started getting those feelings," Sungmin explained.

"Wait, is it not okay for them to be in love with them?" Ryeowook questioned. Everyone turned to him with raised eyebrows. "What?" he asked innocently and blinked dumbly a few times.

"Wookie-ah, you're just too innocent," Yesung commented, leaning down to bury his face in the younger boy's neck. Ryeowook made a confused expression.

"Then again, if you love them, you love them. There's really no questioning it," Donghae professed. Now, everyone was looking at him. "What?" he asked dumbly.

"We're just surprised something like that came out of your mouth," Eunhyuk responded, turning his head a little to look at Donghae out of the corner of his eye.

"Should I not have?" the fishy inquired. "It's not like it'd be normal for you to say anything like that either."

"That's true," Yesung agreed, smirking.

"Hey, that goes for you too!" Eunhyuk shot back. Donghae's hold on him was enough to keep him in place.

"Yah!" Yesung protested.

"Okay, that's enough you two," Sungmin demanded. "It's already bad that Leeteuk-hyung and Heechul-hyung had been arguing. We don't need another fight breaking out."

Eunhyuk and Yesung huffed and looked away from each other. Donghae released his left hand from holding onto the other hand around Eunhyuk's stomach and moved it to the monkey's left hand, hoping it would calm the boy down. Their fingers intertwined and Eunhyuk let his head fall back on the fishy's left shoulder. Donghae kept his right arm where it was and squeezed the monkey closer to him.

On the other side of the room, Ryeowook- wanting to calm his hyung down- had grabbed Yesung's left hand and received a hug in return from the older male. They let go and Ryeowook got on his tip-toes to kiss Yesung's cheek. Naturally, this made Yesung blush and he hung his head to hide it. Ryeowook just giggled silently at him.

No one had noticed these four boys showing their affection like this. All attention had gone back to Leeteuk and Heechul, who were just staring at each other. Heechul had stood up by this point and was trembling all over. Leeteuk was carefully watching his dongsaeng to make sure he was okay and wouldn't break down again.

"Please… Hyung," Heechul panted. It was taking all his strength to stand there as firmly as possible and, having no food and very little water in the past month, he was finding it quite difficult.

Leeteuk bowed his head. It pained him deeply to see one of his members like this and he had to admit- at least to himself- that he'd been won over. "I'm sorry. I didn't think about that," he said quietly. He turned to the rest of the members. "Guys, say goodbye to Heechul. He's going to China."

Heechul shot his head up at that and stared at his only hyung in shock. "You mean… you're really letting me go?"

The leader turned back to Heechul and smiled warmly at him. "Why not? You may never get to see him again. It's like you said. Kangin will come back. But…" he trailed off, not wanting to say the name, knowing it could cause Heechul to hurt more.

Sensing this, Heechul pursed his lips together before looking Leeteuk dead in the eyes and nodding his head once in certainty. "It's okay. You can say his name."

Leeteuk hesitated before finishing his sentence. "But… Hankyung might not."

Heechul winced a little at the mention of his love's name, but made a small smile to show everyone that he was fine. "Yeah."

It is seven p.m. now and Heechul has just arrived at the airport in Mudanjiang, China and he starts looking around for a sign. No, he didn't suddenly turn religious and ask God for a miracle or anything. He was looking for a person with a big sign that had his name on it. At least he was feeling better. Leeteuk had filled him up with more food than Shindong could eat in one sitting and made him take a long, well-deserved shower… and a five-hour nap.

After a good five minutes, he noticed one right in front of him. He ran towards the person and smiled widely. "Ni hao!" he greeted cheerfully. He'd freshened up on his Chinese on the plane, not wanting Hankyung's efforts to teach him go to waste.

The woman nodded and smiled kindly. "I'm Geng's mother," she responded in Chinese. "He told me a lot about you. Heechul, am I correct?"

"Yes. We talked on the phone." He stuck his hand out for her to shake.

Hankyung's mother accepted it. "Let's go, shall we? Geng will be so happy to see you again after such a long time." She took Heechul's other hand and led him to her car.

There wasn't much conversation on the way. Brief small-talk was shared, but for the rest of the car ride it was quiet. It wasn't awkward, though. Heechul pretty much just let Hankyung's mother concentrate on driving while he got lost in his thoughts.

When they finally got there, Heechul started getting butterflies in his stomach. Not only was he a bit nervous seeing Hankyung again, he was nervous about his confession too. He then thought of what it would be like if they couldn't act the same around each other and regretted ever letting him go without a thought. It's been so long since they last saw each other– too long.

"Here we are," the woman announced when they reached the door. "Would you like me to call for him?" she asked, smiling that same warm smile as she had earlier.

"No thank you," Heechul replied politely, bowing. He looked towards the hallway with a determined grin plastered on his face, suddenly feeling very confident as usual. "I want to surprise him."

"Very well. His room is the second door on the left," Hankyung's mother directed.

"Xie xie," Heechul thanked, bowing again and headed for the room. When he got there, he wasn't sure if he should knock or barge in as always. He decided it was better to knock.

"Come in," came the reply– in Chinese of course. Heechul was feeling really glad that he'd had Hankyung teach him Chinese, or else he wouldn't know if he was supposed to enter, go away, or say who was at the door.

He opened the door and poked his head in to make sure the younger man was turned around. Seeing as Hankyung was sitting at his desk- headphones on and eyes closed- Heechul quietly made his way to stand behind the younger male.

"What is it?" Hankyung questioned, still not knowing Heechul was in the room with him and took his headphones off to hear the answer. The older male savored the sound of that soft voice he missed so much.

Without warning, Heechul slipped his arms around Hankyung's neck and rested his cheek on the other's head. "I miss you," Heechul whispered– this time in Korean.

Hankyung jumped with a start, knocking Heechul off of him and turned around as he flew off his chair. His eyes widened when he saw who it was. "Heechul!" he exclaimed, both happily and in surprise.

"Hey, Hankyungie," Heechul responded, smirking widely.

"Is it really you?" Hankyung asked, wondering if he was just dreaming.

"What kind of question is that? Of course it's really me!" Heechul bopped him on the head.

"Ow…" Hankyung rubbed the spot Heechul had just hit. "Yep. It's really you," he sighed. "What are you doing here?"

"I travel all the way here just to see you and that's the first thing you say? No 'Oh, Heechul, I missed you so much' or, 'Heechul, thanks for coming to see me! How are you?' I thought we had a better friendship than that." He folded his arms over his chest and pouted, feigning hurt.

"I'm sorry, man. It was just so unexpected. I really did miss you. How are you?" Hankyung asked, slung his right arm around Heechul's shoulder's.

Heechul dropped his façade and his mood turned casual. He looked into Hankyung's eyes as he put his left arm around his waist. "Mm," he shrugged. "Better than a couple days ago."

"What was wrong a couple days ago?" Hankyung prodded, concerned.

"I was just depressed," Heechul answered simply.

"Depressed?" Hankyung repeated incredulously. "About what?"

"Well, it started when you called to tell us you wouldn't be coming back. It was so much of a shock that I kind of slipped into denial for a few days. I started skipping meals, pretending I ate them so as not to make Leeteuk-hyung worry. When I finally understood that you really weren't coming back, I stopped eating altogether. I didn't do anything for weeks. I don't even think I slept. If I did, I slept with my eyes open. I didn't even care if I made anyone worry anymore.

"Leeteuk-hyung and Siwon were able to make me take a shower once. That was… I'm not even sure how long ago it was. Finally, Leeteuk-hyung said he'd let me come see you- after an argument between us- and so here I am!" Heechul ended his story by smiling and doing a pose.

Hankyung just glared at him in anger. "How… How could you go through all of that and tell it like it was nothing?"

Heechul quickly lost the smile and the pose and stood up straight, looking at the younger man in offense. "What are you yelling for? It was nothing."

"You not eating or sleeping for a month is nothing? Is that really what you think?"

"Obviously!" Heechul snapped, not liking how this reunion was going. "I was just in a little bit of a slump. What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that you were in depression, not just 'a little bit of a slump'. And the main thing that makes me so angry about this is that I'm the cause of your depression," Hankyung argued.

Now, Heechul was angry, but the way his voice sounded was low and cold. "Don't you dare blame yourself for something someone else does. That was my unconscious decision that just happened to be caused by your phone call. It was all me. I could've let it go and lived on with my life the way I always do, but there's a reason behind my depression that kept me from being how I always am."

"Oh? And what's that?" Hankyung asked in a daring tone, not believing that there could a different reason other than himself that could be the cause of his best friend's depression. But the affect of Heechul's tone made him lower his voice a lot.

Heechul took a deep breath, ready to tell Hankyung his realization. He cleared his throat to make his voice stronger. "After you called, I realized something. This sudden realization was one of the two main causes for my 'slump'. And the thought of never seeing you again was the other one." He paused, watching the younger male with a determined expression before continuing. "I love you, Han Geng. More than anyone could ever hope to. Without you in my life, I might as well be nothing. Hearing you say you'd never come back… It broke me. You know me well enough to know that there's no one else who could do that. I'm only going to ask once; I won't beg." He grabbed Hankyung's hands. "Please… will you come back?"

The younger of the two stared at him in utter shock. He really didn't quite know what to say. Never in a million years would he have thought Heechul loved him like that. He'd always thought Heechul was more fond of Siwon than him. Maybe this wasn't right and Heechul was just playing a prank on him. If he was, he'd gone too far this time. But… something inside told him that this was all real.

"Just so I'm sure, this isn't a joke, right?" he inquired, smiling grimly.

Heechul's eyes widened and he tightened his grip. "How can you ask that? I just poured my heart out!"

Hankyung winced inwardly. "Well, it's just that I know you very well, as you said just now." He started feeling bad that he ever said anything. If it _was_ a prank, he should've just let himself get embarrassed.

"Then, I assume you know me well enough to know that I would never go this far in a prank." With that, Heechul threw his arms around Hankyung's neck and kissed him as passionately as he could; pouring all of his emotions into it so that Hankyung would know he was telling the truth.

In his confusion, Hankyung kissed back without really thinking about it and instinctively put his hands on Heechul's hips. He knew now that this wasn't a prank and thought about everything Heechul had told him in the past twelve minutes. Did he love him back? Could he really love another man? He knew he always felt abnormally close to the older man and very protective over him… But isn't that how friends are?

Now that he thought about it, friends don't usually hug each other the way they do. They don't kiss each other on the cheek- without feeling weird about it- the way they do. And he was sure they didn't take pictures of themselves while in the shower together- or shower together at all, for that matter- the way they do.

Maybe… he's always loved Heechul. The funny thing was… he didn't feel guilty or embarrassed about it. He felt like it was the most natural thing in the world to love Heechul. He felt pure bliss; so much that he shed a tear. This new insight of his brought forth all of his newly-found love and transferred it into the kiss. He brought his hands up to cup Heechul's face and more tears fell.

Heechul opened his eyes, surprised that Hankyung was kissing back so fiercely– or at all. He noticed the tears and reluctantly pulled away; mostly because he knew they both needed air. Gazing with scrunched up eyebrows at Hankyung's confused face, he wiped the tears away with his thumbs. Hankyung's hands flew up and grabbed hold of Heechul's hands, lowering them to their sides and leaned in for another kiss. When they parted again, they searched each other's eyes; peering deep into the other's soul.

"I love you too, Heechul-shi," Hankyung answered breathlessly. He leaned his forehead against Heechul's and breathed deeply, catching Heechul's scent.

"It's about time you answered," Heechul teased. "Now… are you going to answer my earlier question?" He trailed his right index finger around Hankyung's left ear before pushing all of his hand into his hair and combing through it.

Hankyung suddenly grew serious. "I…"

Heechul shushed him with his left index finger, placing it on Hankyung's lips. This earned him a weird look from the other boy. "I know the company hasn't been fair with your schedule. And I know your health hasn't been at its best. But maybe we can get them to change your contract to your benefit. Either they do that, or I quit." He brought both of his hands down to his sides and smirked proudly.

Hankyung's eyebrows shot up. "What? Are you crazy? You can't quit like that just because of me!"

"I can and I will if necessary," Heechul argued back. "Remember, I'm the one who unmasked you and scared off those students. You see how much we've been through together? I can stand up for you again. They can't treat you like this."

Hankyung sighed hopelessly. "When do I get to save your butt? It seems like you're always the one saving me." He was starting to give in. "Fine. I'll come back with you and try to negotiate with them. But if they still refuse to give me at least a few vacations, I'm done."

"And I'll be done too," Heechul added. "Trust me, Hankyungie. I can get them to do whatever you want them to do."

"You know, I want to pursue an acting career too," Hankyung informed.

"That's simple," Heechul shrugged. "Just do what Kibum and I do."

"I guess I could…" Hankyung agreed, deep in thought.

"So what's for din-din? I'm hungry!" Heechul announced, getting hyper and weird like he usually is. "I know! Beijing fried rice!"

The next day, Heechul and Hankyung got up early to catch the next possible flight to Korea; even skipping breakfast. "Ugh! Maybe we should've eaten something after all," Heechul complained as they left the house.

"You're the one who was in a hurry to get back," Hankyung pointed out.

"But I didn't think I was in that big of a hurry. We'll just get something on the plane. I just want to get back home and get you back in Super Junior."

"What, you hate China so much that you can't even be in it another second?" Hankyung teased, looking behind him at the lagging Heechul with a smirk on his face.

"Of course not. Where did you get that?" Heechul caught up to his boyfriend's side to bop him on the head and snickered. "Fool."

"Ow…" Hankyung moaned, rubbing the spot. "You've got to stop doing that."

Heechul responded with a shrug.

After about fifteen minutes, they got to the airport and it was two hours before they arrived at the airport in Korea. Finally, they made it to the SM building and barged in, making quite the entrance. They went to the president's office and this is where the rest of their story ends.

"I'm dropping the charges," Hankyung stated.

"What?" the president questioned, baffled.

"I'll drop the charges… but only if you agree to give me a new contract that is to my benefit. My health is better now, but how can you expect someone to go on with those conditions?" Hankyung was feeling very good right now. Mostly because Heechul was with him to support him and he knew Heechul wouldn't let them talk him down.

"Is this some sort of bargain?" the president asked.

"Yes. I want to negotiate. You give a little and I give a little," Hankyung recommended.

"Can I just say…" Heechul started. "If you can't succumb to any of his terms, then I will be forced to quit and sue you as well. Now, you don't want to lose all that money, do you?" he persuaded.

The president stared at the second oldest SuJu member and seemed as though he was thinking about it. He then turned to Hankyung. "Vacation time: two months worth."

"Four."

The president grumbled. "Three."

"Three and a half plus holidays."

"Done. Schedule time–"

"I'm ready whenever you need me," Hankyung interrupted.

"No, you are not!" Heechul objected and gently pushed the younger male away. "I refuse to let him work if he is at all sick or injured in any way."

"Fine," the president sighed irritably.

"So… Do we have a deal?" Hankyung asked, starting to get his hopes up.

The president stood up and walked around his desk to stand in front of the couple, his head beginning to nod. "Deal." He reached his hand out for them to shake, in which they gladly took.

~EPILOGUE~

The newly formed HanChul couple arrived at the dorm and opened the door to find no one there. "Where is everyone?" Heechul asked, more to himself.

"Maybe they all went out or something," Hankyung suggested. "Where's your room?"

"Follow me." Heechul led Hankyung to his room.

Seven hours later, everyone returned home and got the biggest surprise when Hankyung was the one who greeted them. They all surrounded him, asking what he was doing there, and took turns hugging him. Heechul- hearing the noise- came out of what was now his and Hankyung's room rubbing his eyes.

"Yah~ What's with all the racket?" he demanded sleepily. Hankyung walked over to him and lead him to the couch as he rubbed his shoulders.

"So you went to China to see Hankyung-ah and confess to him, and ended up bringing him back as well," Leeteuk recapped in shock.

Heechul nodded his head then looked up at his hyung through half-lidded eyes and asked, "Wait, what'd I do?"

"He's still half-asleep," Hankyung chuckled, petting Heechul's hair and leaning back on the couch as he pulled the sleepy man with him.

"Were you guys sleeping just now?" Kyuhyun asked.

"I wasn't, but he was," Hankyung answered, jerking his chin towards the now asleep Heechul, who was lying comfortably on Hankyung's chest.

"He must still be exhausted from no sleep in a month," Siwon assumed.

"Yeah. He told me about that. I got so mad… I couldn't believe I had done that to him," Hankyung said.

"You shouldn't blame yourself," Sungmin frowned.

"He said the same thing." Hankyung gazed softly down at Heechul with a small smile gracing his lips.

"Yeah, it's his own fault," Yesung accused.

"Don't say that," Hankyung snapped suddenly. He looked at Yesung and stared hard at him. "Don't blame him like that."

"S-sorry," Yesung muttered and fidgeted under Hankyung's glare; looking down at his feet. Ryeowook turned to him, stood on his tip-toes, and whispered an "It's okay" in his ear.

Hankyung changed his expression and looked back at Heechul.

"Um… So you guys are actually a couple now?" Eunhyuk inquired hesitantly.

"Yep." Hankyung looked up at the monkey and smiled.

"How long have you loved him?" Donghae asked.

"I really don't know. I guess since always." Hankyung looked thoughtful. "I never really thought much about it."

They conversed for a few more hours until everyone went their own ways. Donghae and Eunhyuk went to their room, Kyuhyun and Sungmin went out to get dinner for everyone, Yesung and Ryeowook- along with Leeteuk and Shindong- stayed in the living room to watch TV, Siwon went out for a drive, and Hankyung carried Heechul back to their room. Everyone was happy that Heechul was able to bring Hankyung back and couldn't wait to re-reveal him to the fans. Hopefully, they wouldn't have to go through that again and continue as thirteen.

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**A/N**: And that's all she wrote! So... How was it? _**CONSTRUCTIVE**_ CRITICISM PLEASE! If there's a fact that I got wrong, message me and I'll gladly change it (e.i. if it's supposed to be _-ssi_ instead of _-shi_). I'm sorry if the whole "getting-Hankyung's-place-in-SuJu-back" thing was a little too simple-minded and unrealistic, but I'm only 18. I haven't been taught about this stuff yet. And I was too lazy to look it up like I usually do with my stories. T_T (Basically... just be happy I got those two together and got Hankyung back in SuJu, alright?)

I'm gonna write a few more oneshots that are kinda like OVAs to this story just so that we know what happened starting with EunHae, then KyuMin, YeWook, and ending with KangTeuk. Don't expect any EunMin or KiHae or SiChul/HanSiChul/SiHan couples like that from me cuz I only like the couples that I mentioned. Next up is EunHae! Anywho, please review. Kamsahamnida! ^-^


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